Sisters
by guest writer Zoie Loves
Dearest readers, we have a special holiday treat for you, with our first piece from a guest writer. Zoie Loves is bringing us a sapphic love story between two nuns. What a gift! We hope you love it as much as we do.
Sisters
by Zoie Loves
SISTER EUNICE
Oh heavenly father, thank you for blessing me with the ideal roommate.
I put infinite trust in the path you have laid before me. I know in my heart that you have placed the perfect souls around me to bring about my best self so that I may better serve Christ. I was so nervous today Lord, as I arrived at Sisters of the Sacred Heart. I’ve never lived without my family and sometimes I don’t know what to say to other girls my age. Some of the other sisters don’t talk to me or look at me. I forgive them for not knowing any better.
But Lord, you knew I needed someone in this place who made me feel safe. So you put Sister Margaret in my room with me. She’s sweet everyday and so sure of her faith in Christ. She’s from California where they swim in the ocean and she sings pop songs when no one else is around. No one else but me anyway. On my very first day she let me pick bottom or top bunk and then we took our habits down and she asked me to brush her hair for her. She smelled like vanilla.
“And where are you from Sister Eunice?”
“Philadelphia.”
“And what’s that like?”
“Boring.”
“How did your friends take it when you told them you wanted to be a nun?”
“I didn’t really tell anyone. I don’t have any friends back home.”
“Oh – I’m sorry. What about your family?”
“I think my mother’s proud – she was a nurse stationed at the front and she always told me about the sisters that worked beside her. Truthfully I think she’s more – relieved that she doesn’t have to take care of me anymore”
I kept brushing, not noticing that Sister Margaret had turned to face me. She took the brush from my hand.
“Well I’m glad you’re here. Now we can become family. And we will always be family.”
I thought I was going to cry but I didn’t. She took me by the shoulders and turned me to face away from her. She dipped two fingers in shea butter and moisturized the ends of my curls, then my scalp. It made us both smell like honey.
God almighty I am so blessed to be here to answer your call. Your call to spread more love on this Earth, to give and receive forgiveness. Somehow I fell asleep in Sister Margeret’s bed as she moisturized my hair. I awoke with her arm across me, keeping me so warm. This must be the warm love one feels in the bosom of a true sister. My sister in Christ.
At dawn I ran a bath so we could wash for mass. I insisted Sister Margaret wash first. I made certain the water was delightfully warm. I averted my gaze as she stepped in, then brought her a towel as she stepped out. My turn came and I washed myself in her water.
After mass we had laundry to hang in the courtyard. Wordlessly we spent an hour in the sun achieving our task. A bee landed on me then flew away. Sister Margaret says she can tell I will make a fine nun. She said we should sit on the grass for a moment and gaze at the sheets in the wind. She looks at the mundane and sees the sublime.
Tonight Sister Margaret is sound asleep above me while I lay restless. Tomorrow I will take the veil. I know you will be with me.
Thank you Lord for this beautiful day. I hope you can see that everything I do is a symbol of my devotion to you. When I kneeled to take the veil I felt so special, so beautiful, so close to heaven. They put me in a white dress that had been worn by many girls before me. White silk with a hundred buttons down the back and down the sleeve to the wrist.
As I looked out into the pews, I caught Sister Margaret’s blue eyes. Even through the haze of white lace they were unmissable. I could tell she was smiling. I lifted the veil to receive my first communion as a consecrated woman. I opened my mouth to receive the body of Christ. I felt myself grow closer to you Lord. I am yours for all the rest of my life.
“You looked so beautiful.”
Sister Margaret was waiting for me in my dressing room.
“I did it – I took the veil.”
We squealed with delight.
“Now we are both brides of Christ. Lucky man!”
“Sister Margaret!” I blushed.
“I have something for you.”
From a hidden stash below the glove drawer Sister Margaret produced my most celebratory snack: Oreos. She split an Oreo for me and placed the icing side on my tongue. She helped me out of my consecration gown, unbuttoning each silk button with patience and care. I could finally breathe again when she got the back open down past my waist. I felt the top of her finger along the small of my back. So soft like air.
My new hood was tighter than I had imagined. Flush with my neck, each breath in and out needed strength to push. I felt my cheeks pressed into my eyes. I reminded myself why I cover for you, why I give my beauty away. A woman’s beauty is one of God’s greatest glories, it is no sin to be beautiful. But I feel so free when I choose to forsake my beauty so that I may transcend my body and be closer to God. Lord bless the poor and the sick and the hungry and the dying. Let the unloved know love. Let there be no more war or hate. Let everyone know your forgiveness and enter heaven. Amen.
God I come to you in a moment of ecstatic confusion. So close to an oblivion of guilt. It is too late to do anything different. And no veil could hide what I’ve done from you. Last night –
“Won’t they find us?”
“Not if we’re quiet”
I followed Sister Margaret from the rose garden into the chapel, our muddy feet along the ice cold tiles began our trespass. Wordlessly we lit each and every candle. I lost track of time. The entire chapel glowed for only us. My whole body felt warm from deep inside. We knelt in unison. I sat in prayer so long my knees ached. They hurt even worse when Sister Margaret helped me off of them.
She lifted me up, and then she lay me on the floor.
What I admired most about Margaret was her complete and utter devotion. Her passion for God. I wanted to take this part of her into myself. I wanted her to show me. Show me how to give myself over.
“I made myself soft for you, in case you wanted to touch me.”
“You were hoping I would?”
“Yes.”
Unlike our first kiss, it was I who leaned forward this time. To be so close, to share a breath, to hear words she would only dare whisper directly to my skin. I needed more. She ran her hands up my robes and pulled down my hose. I felt the sharp of her nail against my thigh.
A rush of water gushed from me. Our eyes both so wide. The water made me slippery so she sat on me, and slid. Back and forth. Noises escaped her lips that made me quake. Cooing like an angel. I watched her hips up and down on me. I watched her eyes flicker against the fire of a thousand candles. So blue and filled with so much love.
That’s when I felt the hot sting. She had taken a prayer candle and poured it across my chest. She forced her hand in my mouth to dull my screamish gasp. Pain. Suddenness.
My blood rushes up, then floats down.
“Again”
She splashed me with wax, up the creases of my hips. I bit down on her hand so she jerked it back. I could see my teeth marks already making her fingers turn plum. She unleashed another big splash, shocking a scream from me.
Beads of pain wind down the round of my waist. I find myself beginning to transcend, to travel higher.
She ran her hand over the wax, cracking through it. She broke through the shell of wax to the skin of my inner thigh. She traced her finger in a circle. A circle. A circle. Closer and closer until she could feel the gentle glaze of my holiest place. Another gush escaped me and soaked her robes. I shook and wanted to apologize, but she just smiled. She reached inside and worked me until a great light and heat echoed out from my heart and made me cry out. My cries echoed to the steeple. I went limp.
She carried me all the way to our room. She put me in the tub and washed the wax off of me. Slowly. Pulling off each drip felt like tiny tears in my skin. I could see dawn peaking through the clouds.
This must be how heaven feels, I thought. All the intensity of life has passed away and I have earned the right to simply bask in a feeling of glory.
She washed my feet and kissed them. She helped me dry and brought water to my lips and laid me in my bed and kissed me between the eyes. When I awoke she had left a croissant by my bedside and gone off for morning mass.
You have seen all this Lord, in your holy house no less. Do you really think it is a sin? Am I no longer pure? How could that be true when I feel, I feel - in my heart I do not feel the mark of sin. For nothing and no one was harmed. And I have not lost my maidenhood at all. And I feel closer to you. I feel more enveloped in your light. I feel loved. I know that I love Sister Margaret and I pray we are never apart.
SISTER MARGARET
Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been forty eight days since my last confession.
Why so long my child?
I don’t like confessing. It doesn’t cleanse my soul like it’s supposed to.
Then what brought you here today Sister Margaret?
Mother Superior has insisted. But Father, I just need to – tell someone. I can’t carry a secret in my heart any longer.
And your sin?
Father I – I broke the heart of an angel.
Tomorrow I will be travelling to another convent, in Belfast. I will never see Sister Eunice again. Sister Eunice is my roommate at the abbey. She –
Yes?
I am so close to ruining her standing with the church. All she dreams of is serving Christ forever and my selfish desire for more of her – I am a threat to her future here.
At first it was just the comforts of sisterhood, the tingle as she’d brush my hair. We fell asleep holding hands. Then I found myself gazing at her without her habit on. I was proud to be the only one to see her curls. Then I became more than proud. She became the only thought I cared to have. Pride and lust occupied my days. I stopped coming to confession.
And?
After her consecration I took sister Eunice down to the garden to pray by the roses. My desire to be near her out-weighed all that I had been taught to ignore. I saw no harm. I saw only the sweet freckles that gathered across her cheeks. Little constellations that scrunched into her eyes when she smiled ear to ear. The face of an angel. Her voice like glass as she prayed:
“On this night I am more grateful to you Lord than ever. I am surrounded by your love and blessings, I have done what I set out to do, I am affirmed in my path to serve Jesus Christ. With Sister Margaret by my side I know I can spend a lifetime spreading love. Lord, I pray you show mercy to the murderer and to all who reject your grace. Let love be the new rule on Earth.”
Dew dropped from a rose onto my lips and brought my eyes open. Ice cold. I saw Sister Eunice’s eyes were open too. I took her hand and pressed my lips to hers. Like a tiny flash of lightning or a door left ajar, I tasted hope. She pressed back. All thought and consequence vanished as I disappeared into her. Softness on softness, I could sense every breath and pucker.
I took her into the chapel.
There, surrounded by a thousand candles, I knew how I wanted to love God: by following my instincts. I could not put words to what I wanted to do to her, I only knew that I needed to provoke her, to be the cause of her squeals.
Her moan came with a great rush of water from inside her, like a fountain or a spring. Her skin became slick and I pleased myself against her. Newly baptized in her, I had to bless her as she had blessed me. So I prayed into a candle and poured it across her. To awaken her. To let her know it is okay to have a body, it is okay to feel things with the body. This is also God. I left her intact so her covenant is not broken. I prayed into the candle “let her feel my love.”
I was supposed to cover her mouth but I had to hear her scream. This was selfish and reckless of me.
And what did Mother Superior say?
She – she says she knows. She says she can see – that Sister Eunice and I are too – close. She accuses us of leaving an unholy mess in the house of God. She doesn’t understand that it is pure love between us.
I have always been this way, but Sister Eunice could have a chance without me. Perhaps she could forget me, sooner than forgive me.
Forgive you for what sister?
For exposing her to derision in the church, for threatening her future, for perverting her. For loving her, then turning my back on her. I have chosen to be re-located so that no further harm will come to her. Mother Superior and I decided it’s what’s best.
I told Eunice I leave tomorrow and she threw half of our room on the ground, the other half at me. I’d never seen such tears from such a happy girl. And all because I couldn’t let my love for her be at rest in my mind. I had to give it life.
I know this makes me a sinner, I am sorry.
If it is a sin to love this way then I too am a sinner.
Father?
But in God’s infinite forgiveness, do you not think I am forgiven? When I have harmed none?
I see.
You are more than forgiven child – but now you must do something for me. Do not turn your back on love. You are brave and your heart is large – God made you this way! Will you let them separate the two of you? For the rest of your lives?
What else can I do?
Go now. Get Eunice and whatever you can carry. Here –
I can’t accept your car keys! Father please sit back down and listen. It’s over. She told me she will never love me as I love her. She told me if I want to go then I should leave and never come back.
But you don’t want to go. You don’t want to be without her.
No I don’t.
Don’t weep child, stand.
But where will we go?
Out into the world, to spread love.
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